To you,

Slowly we are getting back to the typical 'us'. After a week of awkwardness I'm glad that we are recovering, back to being comfortable with each other, back to the bestfriend-ship we have. I told you early this week, it was sad because you seemed distant despite me telling you things don't have to change, to have you touch me again casually last night during the party made my night and proved to me that ur getting over the me liking you (my bestfriend). Im just happy that you know how i feel but ur not an ass about it unlike the first few days you when you have just found out. now you have accepted it but at the same time you finally have comprehended that our friendship means a lot more to me than me seeing you unplatonically. Thanks for not letting go of our friendship.

I knew everything was back to normal when:
-you made/let me wear ur tie just because you don't want to wear it.
- you let me fix ur tie when you had to wear it
- you hugged me from the back just like before in our dance pracs pre-my-confession-that-i-like-you-period
- you placed your forehead against mine, nose touching and all in front of everyone in our group. A talent we do to show our friends how comfortable we are together, this time you seemed game about it and for the first time in weeks you were comfortable touching me and didn't care if we get teased just like before.
- we were cuddling (hugging me from the back) while walking.
- your name was the first name i saw in my phone's inbox.
- when you were "cool" with our accidental kiss

we are back to the close-knit friendship we have and for that thanks. Im sorry if me liking you made you uncomfortable during that stage. And i thank you for not changing. I really hope, for our friendship's sake i'll get over you.

love
your bestfriend


Dear you (again),

I seperated this letter from the first one coz ive got mixed emotions right now, so consider this letter (as if you'll ever read it anyway) from the other part of me. I can't stop gushing when i think about our accidental kiss. I know it means nothing after all it was an accident (for those people who are wondering how it happened i was aiming for his cheek but he looked at my direction to do the same then woah... lip bumpage). It's probably the part in me that likes you that is gushing. You being a gentleman even comfort me later that night, er morning(?), that you don't blame me coz it was an accident but you comforting me made me gush even more. Crap, i really dont like what im feeling. I really hope, for our friendship's sake that i'll get over you

love
could have been
should have been
but wasnt.

Dear Raymond (Rjeff),

You (or "us")  were brought up several times today.

Chronologically,

I was talking to Bill then i mentioned you're name then he asked
"Do you still like him?"
"No"
"Well i think there is still something there."

Amor told me today that she sees us as the
"Could have been, should have been, but wasn't"

Jaii told me that when I get married in the future I'll be alright with my husband but a part of me will always say
"I miss Rjeff"

The bus talk, talking about back ups and briefly touching on how we agreed to get married (if we're still single) when we're 35 or 40 (can't remember)

Everyone looked and made a fuss about us when I sang the lines
"Lucky I'm in love with my bestfriend"

Kirsty told me you were "contemplative" and very "un-r-jeff" after that moment.

Gelo, this new friend from our debutant dance group taught something different when i said
"I know my partner way to much"

I know we used to like each other but didn't do anything about it because we're best friends. We never went out nor did we ever had a one-off hook up or something, but at the same time we have establish that since nothing happened there will always be this 'what if' that will torment us from time to time. The occasional 'non-platonic moments' as the 'non platonic us' we're unresolved. Today was one of "those days". 

Being with you felt different today 
- when you offered me ur shoes because i was dancing in bare feet.
- the way we started the "in bed" joke
- the way your arms were still hugging me from the back even after everyone broke up coz the dance was over 
- the way i leaned on your chest as you hugged me from the back ... twice 
- when you hugged me after i said "i was upset" because we'll be graduating soon.
-  the way i rested my chin on your shoulder as i hooked my arms around yours and i said "you're one of my favourite people"
- when you asked me why i didn't let go during the second hug
         "are you cold?"
          "no i just feel like it"   
and just with that you did not let go not until everyone went inside the car. 
- the way most conversations I had today with almost everyone lead back to one thing ... you.

Look i don't like you in that way anymore, i'm sure about that but today was one of those days. And since i know Mr. unplatonic you came up often today i'll be thinking about ''what-could-have-been/unplatonic 'us'" all night now. As much as it feels nice, it's frustrating beause usually being in this 'occasional state' leaves me confuse. I know it'll be gone by the next time i see you and the physical contact would be platonic again but since im in this 'occasional state' i know i'll be thinking about you. I really hope that in the future "these moments" will be gone and see you as 100% best friend not 80% bestie and 20%. . . you see, i don't even know.

from your,
"Could have been,
should have been,
but wasn't"

too much paranoia first thing in the morning. ive decided the main priority of my life for the next two hours or so is to throw something sharp to RENE MELHEM. lol!!!! jokes. but yeah im seeing phantom today~!!!!!!!!!!

I dream of the day when chickens can cross the street without having their motives questioned. found this new quote in imdb.

I have been lj-ify!  Let the lj begin!! Thanks Amor!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Kirsty!!(?)